Why I Am Not Happy

I have been think of this for years. Tonite, i come to a conclusion that most of the time, i am not happy because of myself. I am the one who decide and set the mind not to be happy, not anyone else. I am also the one who set myself to let others effect my mood. So what to do then? Then chane it. Change my perception.

My biggest weakness is i will interpret myself based on what people done to me. If most of the time, i already become center of attention, loved and doted by everyone, people hear whenever i speak, people help even i just simply speak out my problem, and one day... when everyone is busy or have their own stuff to bother, i will feel SOOO LOST. I will feel being boiccot, i will feel that whole word is giving me up.

Luckily i know where my problem is. Why did i have so much ego? Why i expect so much from people? Who are you to expect all the good time only happen to you everyday? Evryone will have their hard time and i will do just fine.

Recently i have been selected as best vice chair person from around 50 clubs in my school... and that is individual award. Many people congrats me and sthink how lucky i am. But i am not happy. When it is said as BEST, for me it have to be 1 person only. And we have 2 vices in my club. Is that the reason i feel down? Well, i am really sick, Even though the other vice is not recognized, she only like to contribute from behind... silently, she even didn't come for the night, at 5 star hotel... venue is grand, people are grand... everything seems to be perfect, my club get 6 awards... and she even graduated alrd, i am the one who up of the stage... but i still feel down. Am i too ambitious? I don't know.

And now after my term end and i stepped down, i feel even LOST as i am no longer "some one"
in my community. I fear, I scared, i worry, i afraid, i frustated, i desperate. I can even just cried without a clear reason. Just feel sooo lonely not belong to a group, even though a got many groups of good friends. Why i feel so badly while i see other people luckier than me? 1st time feel that helpless since my time in university. I used to think i am stromg, i used to think that many people can rely on me. I used to think i am independent enough to take care of my self... and others as well. The fact is, the closer the time i step down, till this moment, when i really stepped down, i become more emo.

I think i need to read some self development books, do some yoga or meditation, find some useful activities instead of waiting to be care by people...

I need to improve myself, add my own value to be worth to be love by everybody again. Maybe the only solution for this "greedy me" is only improve and continuing improve.

What is simple? I saw many simple people around me.. they enjoying who they are, they never think to be somebody, never thing to be recognized, never think to extend their social circle. Sometimes, i wish i am one of them, but this kind of tought can only last for few seconds.

I want to be highly recognize, when i see someone who better than me, i wish i can master the skills she or he have and when i am fail to do so... i will feel stress even worst than before. It's just like nothing can heal me from this... can't help my self neither. And i am not open enough to tell people these kinf of stuff because it is embrassing.

Previously, i feel not secure to write a diary since everytime, my sister will look into it. Lyckily we have blogging this kind of stuff. I can freely express myself... as long as i never exposed my password and address to people, nobody is going to know. I hope so...

I will be a very successful and happy woman on earth. I believe... and i promise.

girls talk

We had a gathering with my "sisters tonite". They are my close friends. Unfortunately, this gathering is not as usual. This is more to a private meeting... maybe girls talk. There are 6 of... mostly from diffrenent states, different backround and different characteristic.

Now what? One of my close friend being hit by her boyfriend who already stay together for years??? Basically, i still assume myself as a patient type of person. Whenever i still can get along with a thing, i will try my best to control my emotion (even lot of people don't think so... i don't know why)

I love to have people around me, i like to talk, to share, to play and i love crowd, especially when people around me are my close friends. But the thing is, personal space is very important to me either. That's also 1 of the reason why i move out, i feel that i have something of my own.

Back to My friend'S case, she have problem with the acomodation if she really decided to break up with her boyfriend. 3 other girls stay hostel where the security is soo strict. You can only be allowed to enter by if you are the resident. Another girl stay too far, and honestly, she is closer to me than to that girl. Actually she already asked if she can stay with me 2 days before.

It's not the thing as normal couple fight. There is no such thing that you cab tolerate a man for performing physical violance to his girl friend. My close friend has been slapped and hit by key board. KEY BOARD!!! WTH???

But i think it is a childish behaviour to go in group to her house and accused or judge her boy friend. It's not fair since we, as outsider, especially her close friend, will have bias perception since we only hear from one side. Maybe there are still so many inner process they have go through that we don't understand and for that, we have every right to stay neutral.

All of us encourage her to break up. The problem is on her. She can't live without him. She is too depend on him. And it seems like he understand that and not bother to her feeling, not respect her, maybe just keep her at home as maid.

What's more serious problem as i understand is that guy has too many girls around him. He have ONLY 2 guy friends (the rest are girls) that cause insecure to my friends. But what to do? This is also the main reason why they keep fall into arguement.

If things get worst, we all will help her to move the stuff, and i might temporary have a room mate again

婚前与婚后

以前提到結婚，想到「天長地久」；現在提到結婚，想到「能撐多久」。

當初會結婚，說是「看上眼」；後來會離婚，說是「看走眼」。

婚前，愛情是神話；婚後，愛情是笑話。

男人花錢，是為了讓女人高興；女人花錢，是因為男人讓她不高興。

嫁入「豪門」，要懂得理財； 嫁入「寒門」，要懂得生財。

以前的人，視婚姻生活為「一輩子」；現代的人，視婚姻生活為「一陣子」。

婚前，男人在餐廳等女人； 婚後，女人在客廳等男人。

婚前，男人經常找女人「討論」； 婚後，男人只告訴女人「結論」。

婚前，男人對她悄悄講話； 婚後，男人對她大聲講話。戀愛時，情話綿綿； 結婚後，謊話連連。

戀愛時的男人，喜歡「毛手毛腳」；結婚後的男人，變成「沒手沒腳」。

婚前，情侶做什麼都是「浪漫」；婚後，夫妻做什麼都是「浪費」。

想結婚，是自己已能獨立； 想離婚，是子女已獨立。

婚前的男人，大都很幽默；婚後的男人，大都很沉默。女人的記性，吵架時最好； 男人的耐性，結婚後最差。

戀愛時，一見面就「親嘴」； 結婚後，一見面就「鬥嘴」。

婚前，男人常給女人「空白支票」；婚後，男人常給女人「空頭支票」。

戀愛時，生活「妙不可言」； 結婚後，日子「苦不堪言」。

婚前，男人天天盯著女人； 婚後，女人天天盯著男人。

熱戀時，總相許下輩子再結良緣；結婚後，懷疑上輩子造作孽緣。大男人，會「作威作福」； 好男人，會「作牛作馬」。

婚前，「謊話」都是「情話」； 婚後，「情話」都是「廢話」。

婚前，靠近一點；婚後，閃開一點。

婚前，沒話找話說； 婚後，有話也不說。

「成功」？對男人的定義是指能賺很多的錢， 對女人的定義是指能花很多的錢。男人有錢就變壞，女人變壞就有錢。

男人沒有女人，耳根清淨； 女人沒有男人，居家乾淨。

男人「入錯行」，上班會很痛苦；女人「嫁錯郎」，下班會很痛苦。

好女人，養壞男人的胃口； 壞女人，吊足男人的胃口。

婚前，男人像傳令兵；婚後，男人像指揮官。 失戀不見得是世界末日： 你的心也許會「泣血」，你的荷包卻可以不再「失血」。

Motivation ~ Ambition

I found that almost every semester, especially in business classes, i will have chance to meet knowledgeble yet interesting lecturers who willing to share their own experience, own life, as well as life of people around them as example.

I can see alot through their eye, they read books, i read them. They experience stuff, i gain experience from them. I prefer this kind of opportunity and enjoy the process of learning in class, rather than just follow everything from the notes and text book.

I like the way they share about many funny yet ridiculous behaviour of multinational leading company's CEO life who is their friend, how their another friend, an Germany multimillionaire fight with his wife just to eat "nasi lemak" (due to cholestrol problem), and how their executive friends concern everyth=ime they use airline services... it's not the price, not the speed, but the MENU. that's a big issue for them since they need to be on plane for atleast 1o+ hours for business trip. I'm very interesting or exactly envy them for those unusual experience (it's heard unusual for me who haven't reach that level of living).

I can't deny that all those stories did motivate me to study hard to reach that kind of life someday... but at the same time, i realize that it also make me to become an ambitious person which definitely impact to my perception toward value in my life.

I keep image one day will have that kind of living and that feeling bacome stronger everyday. Sort of creepy actually. I also surprise to know new things like if you graduated from harvard university, England, you don't need to send your resume to find a job... companies will send their resume and achievement to you. And i order to draduate from that school, you need to travel to certain contry, just to complete an assignment. Even to attend a two hours class, people (consist of CEO, senior manager, top management, and executive or even ministers from countries all over the world) are flyinf from all over the world and they will fly back at the same day on spot, right after the class, to continue their own work (business). I can't imagine there are such a riiculous things before...

Some more, what open my eyes during a forum I attend in 4 star hotel in Penang that whom participant involve 1000 people from all over Malaysia, Singapore, and Brunei Darussalam is i meet a very succesful woman, she is a Datuk actually, who purposely arrabge her time to mwwt us to give us some speech amongs her pack scadulle. Before she came to meet us, she just came back from Beijing, China, a day before that, she went for Aceh, Indonesia, ... the day before, she was in Korea to attend a conference where the day before , she also came back from Philipine. I couldn't control myself from admiring this kind of succesful woman. She is a mother, elegant, independent, has her own career and achievement, and internationally well recognized. I will be like her one day.. I PROMISE!