I have been think of this for years. Tonite, i come to a conclusion that most of the time, i am not happy because of myself. I am the one who decide and set the mind not to be happy, not anyone else. I am also the one who set myself to let others effect my mood. So what to do then? Then chane it. Change my perception.
My biggest weakness is i will interpret myself based on what people done to me. If most of the time, i already become center of attention, loved and doted by everyone, people hear whenever i speak, people help even i just simply speak out my problem, and one day... when everyone is busy or have their own stuff to bother, i will feel SOOO LOST. I will feel being boiccot, i will feel that whole word is giving me up.
Luckily i know where my problem is. Why did i have so much ego? Why i expect so much from people? Who are you to expect all the good time only happen to you everyday? Evryone will have their hard time and i will do just fine.
Recently i have been selected as best vice chair person from around 50 clubs in my school... and that is individual award. Many people congrats me and sthink how lucky i am. But i am not happy. When it is said as BEST, for me it have to be 1 person only. And we have 2 vices in my club. Is that the reason i feel down? Well, i am really sick, Even though the other vice is not recognized, she only like to contribute from behind... silently, she even didn't come for the night, at 5 star hotel... venue is grand, people are grand... everything seems to be perfect, my club get 6 awards... and she even graduated alrd, i am the one who up of the stage... but i still feel down. Am i too ambitious? I don't know.
And now after my term end and i stepped down, i feel even LOST as i am no longer "some one"
in my community. I fear, I scared, i worry, i afraid, i frustated, i desperate. I can even just cried without a clear reason. Just feel sooo lonely not belong to a group, even though a got many groups of good friends. Why i feel so badly while i see other people luckier than me? 1st time feel that helpless since my time in university. I used to think i am stromg, i used to think that many people can rely on me. I used to think i am independent enough to take care of my self... and others as well. The fact is, the closer the time i step down, till this moment, when i really stepped down, i become more emo.
I think i need to read some self development books, do some yoga or meditation, find some useful activities instead of waiting to be care by people...
I need to improve myself, add my own value to be worth to be love by everybody again. Maybe the only solution for this "greedy me" is only improve and continuing improve.
What is simple? I saw many simple people around me.. they enjoying who they are, they never think to be somebody, never thing to be recognized, never think to extend their social circle. Sometimes, i wish i am one of them, but this kind of tought can only last for few seconds.
I want to be highly recognize, when i see someone who better than me, i wish i can master the skills she or he have and when i am fail to do so... i will feel stress even worst than before. It's just like nothing can heal me from this... can't help my self neither. And i am not open enough to tell people these kinf of stuff because it is embrassing.
Previously, i feel not secure to write a diary since everytime, my sister will look into it. Lyckily we have blogging this kind of stuff. I can freely express myself... as long as i never exposed my password and address to people, nobody is going to know. I hope so...
I will be a very successful and happy woman on earth. I believe... and i promise.
