13 February, 2010

follow the rule

Today went to GIANT with my sister, bought my dad his favorite OLD TIWN coffee and milk tea. Then havin dinner at OLD TOWN (so this is how i have my valentine's dinner).

It's a big crowd at Giant due to the CNY's promotion. People buy in large amount so you can imagine the queue. We went to queue at the last 2 rows, express counters which are especially for customers who purchase less than 10 goods.

I saw at the counter beside me, express counter as well... There is a middle age lady pushing a trolley with full of goods, queueing in the line as well. 1st things comes to my head is "poor woman, maybe she don't know how to read the sign board, or she seldom goes to shopping complex so she don't know this commen sense stuff", poor thing, how come nodody tells her?

But then, I start to think from another side... This woman is "clever".

  1. Her appearance. She is middle age. She dressed like typical aunty so nobody will bother to argue with her during CNY season where everybody should be in good mood and people will tend to close one aye to her "selfish" action as they will think that she "really" don't know that line she standing in is an express counter. Worst come to worst, she just need to act blur when she being asked to shift to other counter.
  2. Her timing is right; due to peak season, many cashier will on leave and I observe that majority of the cashier is temporary staff with casual wear. So who the hell will care about professionalism, insist the customer to out of the line and re queue at normal counter. High possibility for the cashier to just let her pass, they don't want to get themselves into trouble. They will avoid any possibility to get into arguement with customer(especially aunties). The aunty seems to understand about this point.
  3. The last thing I can conclude from that thing is she has the "thick face". Not many people has courage to do such things. When others who buy as many stuff as she did queue damn long line, standing like hell, waiting like hell... and others who sacrifice the goods and only buy few goods so they can pay in express counter and get things more efficient... and they still need to wait for this lady... Is that fair?

The world is not fair... never been fair. It's only the matter of "you dare to do or not"? If you don't do, others will do. You can't expect there will be a STRAIGHT people who go and give her discipline or moral lesson... Especially in city, prople tend not to care about other people's business. This makes some people feel free to do whatever they want, since eveybody seems too lazy to mind what she is doing. Mah de, this aunty so PRO.

Another thing is I never tried Giant OLD TOWN before. My sister told me that her housemate post on facebook status that the service over there is terrible and the food is not nice. Then I gave her a lesson, "Don't blindly believe before you tried it and knew it yourself". Then she said "up to you." But, certain judgement does "stick" on my heart even before I enter. The moment we walked in, few waitress greet us at a time"welcome...", well, it's a good start. The drinks ok, food, ok, same as 0ther branches, It doesn't take too long time to get order. Maybe due to my sister's house mate's personal experience. Maybe it is the matter of a particular waiter. From this case, I do learnt 2 things

  1. FACEBOOK is a very effective, as well as dangerous weapon while not everybody know the idea of "don't blindly follow or believe what people said before you experience it by yourself"
  2. Waiter is a very important tools for a company, outlet, organization since they are the one who represent the company to deal directly with customer... the guests, the VIP of company. It is difficult to supervise them 24 hours and make sure that there will be zero error... This is the risk...

We can learn things not only from text book... not necessary must be teach by someone. Many things happen around us everyday. You can't learn if you don't even bother to observe them. Learn from life and experience is the best material for me to grow... and to improve.

*INTI bank in around RM400 to my account already. The wages when I worked at Accomodation Office. It not much... but I am happy ^_^, I earned it myself what.


12 February, 2010

@5 STAGES@

There are 5 stages of misery

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

and I am still stuck at the 4th
I need help urgently
Can't live with this emotion for incoming Chinese New Year

@no cured@

I am hopeless
I am no cured
I am terrible

because I am type of person who

WILL TERRIFIED WHEN I COULDN'T TIE DOWN A MAN WHO IS TERRIFIED TO BE TIED DOWN T_T

@A LOT@

I have a lot of ambitions
  1. Own a coorporate
  2. Be a very succesful investor
  3. Establish a foundation
  4. Own a casino
  5. Being politician
  6. Marry my Mr. Big
  7. Have a pair of talented, well growthchildren
  8. Awesome social status
  9. Amazing social life
  10. Become most influencing people
  11. Well equip with various hard and soft skills

But now... my 1st an donly dream is...

to complete my current level succesfully and be able to study abroad to UK to complete my degree... even it's only for 1 year, even it will be so tough, even if there will be more obstacle that I am going to face, even if I need to do part time work, even I will start to adapt to new, strange environment, community, and culture shock.

I don't care. As I said, I don't care if any shit things happen to me. I have no control of them, but I have full control of my self. Yes I might fall down, I might get hurt, my heart might get break. But don't expect me to give up. Gal, believe that you can. Achieve your dream. Be FOCUS, NOT balance!

11 February, 2010

no more

When I see old folks or disable people; no matter in the train, bus station, or any places,
I can't control my self but to offer them some helps... even before they don't ask for it, even if they looks healty, even if they don't feel need it, even if there is possibility for them to reject me.

I am a person with a very high ego,

I will feel annoyed if people have opinion againts me
There was a time, when I saw an old fold in a train,

Deep inside my heart, i want to help

But I will worry alot.

What if people think that I am busy body

What if people think that I am fake

What if the old folk reject me in front of people

What if after I stand up, other people are already reach him 1st

so I keep sitting

so I keep waiting

so I keep strungling

so he keep standing

till few stations passed and he went down

I can never forget his back,

The moment he walk away, his shoulders and feet are shaking

because he too tired, because he stand too long

That night I can't sleep

Till now, still feel guilty

There is a phsycological test that proved that the more people in a place, the lower initiative will be taken by people when something happen... because people tend to wait and think that others will do. The responsibility has been shared. I don't know what others (people in that bus) think but i really feel bad.

Since that time, no matter how much I insist of my ego,

Whenever i see old folks, I will rush and offer my seat or other help at the 1st place

No matter if people really tease me by saying I am fake

No matter people say i am a lier

No matter is they really happen to reject my offer

At least I can sleep well at night

I will no longer care for other's perception toward what I did when it comes to this matter

I will no longer to let the idea of "maybe others will do"

I will stand up and be the person who do

I can't change others

but I hope... really hope, by change my own attitude

by start from my self,

people will be awake and aware,

maybe they will feel shame after seeing what I did

maybe they will regret that they are not the one who offer to help at the 1st place

maybe after that day they will be another me, who take initiative to help rather than wait

I am not perfect, I am not an angel.

I just do things that I feel confortable and leave no regret

Thanks old man, he changed my life... without a word, without a lesson, without any interaction...

Somehow, this proved to myself that I am actually have a good nature.

hehe, may with all these positive attitudes that I have, I will be happy.

May all my dream comes true... but too many ambition, why are you so greedy ^.~




lonely

Just came back from company interview in KL, see the environment, spot new target for my foundation again. Lots of manufacturies and multinational company there, as well as residental area.

Today, many friends went back already, and I will stuck here till Sunday. Sounds pathetic... cos there is no way that anyone will still here since they have to spend new year with their family. Whose gonna have dinner with me when people suppose to sit and have dinner in round table with their family? Hehehe, feel like wanna say I will marry anyone who knock my door and accompany me having dinner on Saturday... maybe Mr Maggie+Mr omellette+Mr hot dog... T.T

Nothing to do, so boring... guess what have i done... i change night gown, put on make up, play soft jazz and sit infront of computer... (house mates all back d, dats y i dare to walk around with this attire ^.^) Is this what people called desperate? hehe, actually wanna do out fit rehersal for my cousin's wedding, hekhekhek. So lonely... ego too high dun want to call people to accompany also

@can not@

can not tell people
can not write in diary
can not post on face book
can not opens up to close friend

now i realize; there is such thing as swallow the pain and smile

I don't one people to know that I, am actually have negative emotion
I don't want people to find in my diary that I, am actually weak
I don't want people on social network to know that I, will also up set
I don't want people who close to me know that I am not as tough as they think

BUT I AM REALLY UPSET
BUT I AM FRUSTRATE
BUT I AM WORRIED
BUT I AM STARTING TO LOSE MY FAITH

I FEEL MY SELF EMPTY

why?

10 February, 2010

obstacle

There are many obstacles in my life
Whether I like it or not
Accept it or not
I still have to face it

Now, after 1 by 1 obstacle i have cross over
The only thing I can said;

people can do whatever they want to do
people can say whatever they want to say
people can judge based on their perception

things can happen as shit as it could be
things can get worst as terrible as it want
things can attack me and make me fall

but don't expect me to give up and stop trying,
don't expect me stand still and wait for dying
don't expect me to stop learning

I have lots lots of love
I have lots lots of passion
I have lots lots of faith
I have lots lots of friends

I don't care, I don't scare, I don't give up, because I'm a monster ^_^

@safe@

Almost every subject I'm taking, talk about this. Safe investment, safe employment, safe policy ect. Even in Maslow hierarchy that being created long time ago already emphasize the importance of safety. I like to think alot, people will say i think too much, but that is who I am >.<

Kenot sleep, what do i think? When is the last time i feel safe? What is the definition of safe for me? For some people, it could be have enough security guard out side his house, for others they feel safe after install alarm system. For others, they may only feel safe financially, when he become millionaire. I don't want to talk about this materialistic"safe".

What about inner safety? By having faith? It might be, regardless what religion you are, once you havefaith, it can be your guidiance, it can support you spiritually. Then, how bout people? Don't blame me. I can't said that person is my parents or relatives. I left home since i was 12. Maybe i just don't remember how safe i felt while having them around me. But I believe, it must be safe havung them around, because you know that they will never hurt you.

How bout friends or people in my community right now? Shit! Why that stupid turtle pop up on your head again? Yes, I admit, even he is evil, I feel very very safe having him around. He just like can handle everything, can take care of everything, have knowledge of everything. Just feel he is a person that you can count of, you can rely on him. Also don't know why... even you ex who is a boxing coach can't gave you that safety feeling, even your enother ex who happened to be gangster and many people calling him "dai go" and call you"dai sou" can never give you that safe feeling.
Conclusion, he is like a security guard, the kind of person that even if you get lost in the middle of no where, or being kidnaped, as long as he is around, you still can sleep peacefully because you know that he is going to make sure that you are safe and everything will be fine... you just know that. Life is so weird. I am so weird. That turtle is so weird.

09 February, 2010

new thing

just realize new thing
in this course;

i can not too depend on lecturer (no spoon feed)
i can not too depend on notes
i can not too depend on text book

i have to do extra home work
i have to read extra material; more outside book, more business magazine, more newspaper
i have to expose my self to learn various soft skills

or else, i am done...

cheer, i know you can ^.^

@invest@

Don't invest on your family
Don't invest on your friend
Don't invest on your relative
Don't invest on your spouse

Do invest on your self
Because he/she will be the only one who stay with you till the end.

Used to read a book, the author said that the best investment that a woman ever do is invest on the right man. That time, when i was younger, everythong she said seems make sense.

But now, after i gone through alot of things, I don't think i agree with her statement. Even though you are lucky enough to invest on a right man; maybe he can give you everything, maybe he treat you like a princess, and maybe he will even become your husband. But can it be said as "succesful investment"? Can you guarantee there will be no recession? maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month?

There are lots of insurance; education, retirement program, car, house, you can even have life insurance. But till now, information era, nobody dare to come out with "love insurance". You can't very sure his heart never change. He can just run with another girl tomorrow.

So, better if you put more effort to enrich yourself. Invest more time , more love, more inner and outer value on yourself. Automatically, people will come and invest on you. You become the one who control the market. I would rather being invested than invest on someone ^.^

08 February, 2010

@anicca@

Anicca means inpermanent in pali word (ancient Indian language)

Basically, nothing is permanent and i have being trained to accept this fact,

that's why i used to put "this too, will pass" as my personal message in msn.

But still, i am SO SADDDDDDDDDD. My key chain spoiled. Use it for almost 1 year already. Lost it for 2 weeks at KL but still manage to get it back, that's why feel some connection with it. Even it's a simple wood craved key chain...
still feel very saddd... tried to fix it but still kenot. The moment it broke, my tears just felt like bursting out. Duno why but suddenly felt kind of sorrow.

Now i am using an antique gold color key chain made in England. I like it. Old key chain, RIP. I'll keep you till the end...

07 February, 2010

等一个人, 等的好累,就不要再等了

等一个人 等得好累 就不要再等了

没办法看到你上线却不再跟你说话而不难过
于是,我把你从好友列表删除了

没办法看到你的照片在网上出现而不再和你联系而不难过
于是,我把你从朋友列表删除了

没办法想到你时不心痛
于是,我把自己删除了

人生就像一场舞
教会你最初舞步的人却未必能陪你走到散场

这世上最累的是莫过于眼睁睁看着自己的心碎了
还得自己动手把它粘起来

我真的喜欢你
闭上眼,以为我能忘记
但流下的眼泪,却没有骗到自己

我承认
我是一个任性的孩子

我承认
我想用我的全世界来换取一张通往你的世界的入场卷
不过,我的世界, 你不在乎
你的世界, 我被驱涿

回忆,是值的感触的
却也权权是拿来自己与自己寒暄的

时间给所有诺言一个期限
而这个期限则是短短的瞬间

你甘愿,便是永远
若不是, 你也可以说这权权是一个谎言

明明说着看开了 放下了
每次总是不知觉的自己想起了那个给与温暖的人
每每又总是在微笑沉醉时又看到了现实,想到了伤痛
然后, 冷的感觉再也暖和不起来了

如此反复, 心 终于累了

现实总是这样
我曾经醉过
却又最宗醒来

我正在行走
却又找不到方向

黑暗中
偶尔有些伤痕苏醒
偶尔也有小声哭泣
白天, 依然那么故作着坚强

你也许已经早就习惯了心隐隐作痛的时候
也可以置之不理
不知不觉掉下眼泪
也可以习以为常

如果她在你面前笑 并不代表一切都好
如果她在你面前哭 说明她是真的很难过

如果你够感慨 给她安慰
她打从心底感激你
深深地。。。

梦里梦到你,哭了
醒来后发觉现实似乎比梦里的更让人心痛
于是,哭得更凶了。。。

爱一个人,你会记得和他在一起的日子
深爱一个人, 你会记得和他分开后的日子

她 成全了他的自由
他辜负了她的崇拜

如果失去记忆
是不是生活变得更容易
如果不曾忘记
能否让回忆依稀感动依稀

照片存了又删, 删了又存
回忆被拿起又放下
放下又拿起
记性太好的人, 也许都不怎么快乐

也许, 我还是会经常不经意的回忆起你
但是我只是去回忆 而不再挣扎

06 February, 2010

@i decided@

I decide to start a new life
I decide not to let anybody or anything to effect my personal life
I decide not to feel down when i am not in the photo album of event attend by new term
I decide to create entertainment for my self
I decide to have fun with my frineds
I decide to learn something new
I decide to challenge my self
I decide to expose my self to new things
I decide not to feel upsset when i was not informed to become faci of particular event around college
I decide to attend latin class
I decide not to lock myself in my room
I decide to accept people request to hang out
I decide not to waste my time waiting
I decide to know new people

I decide I decide I decide

03 February, 2010

@my friend@

my friend,
i don't like alot of evil things you did to me,
but i do like when;

you never pissed off when i hang up your call
you will just call again, and again, and again

even i hang up and hang up and hang up
then i switch off, and you will still call
again and again and again

and when i on my phone again,
and see how many missed calls report from you

and to see your message, asked me to answer your call
and if i still angry and ignore you

you will walk all the way from the behind block of hostel to my home
without inform me in advance
and just call again and said; "i am infront of your house" or "open the door", then hang up, or keep bang my door...

you don't bother to ask whether i am available
you don't bother to ask whether i am busy
you don't bother to ask whether i am sleeping

you just so confident that my door is always be open for you
my friend, if 1 day when you happen to call and i am accidentally having shower, i wonder how would it be for you, standing in front of my house, starring at the door
my friend, you are so weird, yet bit silly, but so cute, most of the time, you are evil.

I never ever think of can get along or deal with such uncivilized guy...
I though I can never mess with this kind of guy
Till I really happen to meet one, and still manage to "mess" with him and this is the 3rd years since i knew him.
Do I lucky to have this friend? Or it's a punishment for me? Gosh...

02 February, 2010

community


Community meant belonging, sharing common purpose and interests. It meant that each had a duty of care to other, irrespective of capacity. To leave one out of the journey, meant all were diminished. There might have been a sense of impatience when someone was slow to come on the journey, frustation even if it meant substantial deviation, but no one thought of leaving the person behind. You argued, you debated, you pushed, you pulled, but you moved together. You might show disunity behind private doors, but in the light of day, you acted back to back.

01 February, 2010

@invictus@


feel wanna learn latin

even this language almost extinct

even it is lesser and lesser being used by now

just feel wanna learn latin

invictus means "unconquered" in latin.
I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL
(this is part of the poem. I saw it as essense of the poem, and it did impress me)

But i don't believe there is something or someone which unconquered. I just don't feel like to believe. I believe that there must be someway or something or someone to conquered that thing or that person. There must be...and i'll find out.

I hate my natural;

natural to challange

natural to conquer

and the natural that "this natural" will grow even stronger and stronger when i find out there is something or someone that i couldn't conquer... i will suffer by even think about it

and this obsession had drown me too far until i can't even control myself to do anyting to conquer that something or someone...

but it has been too much that i have sacrificed. Does my obsession drag me too far inside? For this obsession; i have lost lots of respect, i have lost lots of dignity, i have broke lots of my rules, i have broke lots of principles. Should i keep moving forward... losing more and more? just to satisfy my ego? and after all i have sacrificed, will i succeed?
the worse someone treat me, the bigger my desire to make them like me, make them love me, alot... and i will try my best to work on it, alot...
why couldn't i just let go and accept that you can't expect everything will happen as you wish? why couldn't you just accept that nobody is perfect? why couldn't you just accept that it will be too tired if you try to conquer everything, to conquer everyone?

@forward email@

if you aren't being treated right by a guy,
don't wait for him to change!

ditch his sorry butt,
disgrace to the male polulation
and find someone who will treat you with utter respect,

someone who will honor your morals

someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes

someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel

give the nice guys a chance





@moment@

the moment you lose your temper, you lose your respect