sorry, it's not you

2.56am, receive his msg... apologized of previous msg that he sent 2 days ago, exactly 6.05am. After read his msg, my body is just shaking and can't control myself to cry again. Are men are made to make women cry? He explained that last time he sent the msg because he was drunk. that's why he apologized and ask me don't mind.

We've already break up for almost 6 months... and when he drunk, i'm the one he thinks about... Here's de msg if i translate in English

"I stupidly think for a long time, but still can't understand the reason you want to break up. When you left me, you choose to be silent... I don't know whether you are too cruel or i am so innoncent. If love can be forgotten on spot, I no longer have to suffer like this. The cold air chill me up and froze my heart. You can see the words on the screen, but you can't see my tears on the keypads. The tears is so bitter... I will remember all your good forever, and will also cry for you for the last time. Maybe one day i will be smile while memorize you. All the memory is memory. Just hope that i can kept you inside my heart. After this, i won't cry any longer... This is to prove i really used to love you. "

pathetic!!! i am cruel to him. I can just get angry with him without a rational explaination. And the reasons id almost radiculous. But still... he keeps understand me, dote me, he keeps love me, take care of me... and he put alot of effort on me. But after i dump him... when he drunk, i am still the one he will thinking of.. I am still the one he cried for. And what i am doing now? I am cried for another guy who don't know how to appreciate me and even tend to hurt me whenever he got chance... What's happening?

Now,03.35am ... so lonely... so cold... it's my turn to cry alone in front of the screen... typing every single word... hoping that it would help me to at least reduce so many pain that stuck in my heart. Suddenly feel that i need i hug... I need to talk with some one... i need someone to share with me and listen to me. I feel so sorrow. I feel just want to follow my desire to call him. I know he will asnwer my call, i know he will listen all my problem... i know he will try to console me. I know him. I know he still love me.

But in other hand i know myself... i know my principle. I know once i make decision, there is no way to turn. I can't just dump a guy and when i need him then ask him to pay pity to me. I should bear the consequences alone, i must take responsible on what i've done.

Almost calling but at the end canceled all the calls. Have already types the messages for a lot of times but at the end, i've also deleted all of them before send it to him. Really wish to ask how he is currently, ask him to take care of himself, ask him not to drink too often, ask him to find a girl better than me... But i afraid in this way, will only make him even harder to "let go." I afraid he will thinks he still has a hope and we are contacting each other again... So i rather choose to be the cruel girl who didn't reply all his msg... pretend that i am stone-hearted, pretend that i am a cool-blo0ded, pretend that i have not being touched. Sincerely hope you can take care of youeself, happily! thanks for loving me... But sorry, it's not you T_T